Sunday, May 25, 2008

5:42 in the morning

Increasingly, I am seeing 5:42 in the morning, and this is not right as I have the summer off and there's no reason to experience this fresh and dewy of a morning. While I am a morning person, I am not excessive about it and am not thrilled to be fighting off these heavy eyelids that yet refuse to sleep.

The one good thing about morning is the quiet whistle of birds. I am a big fan of the morning birds. I hope they will sing me back to sleep before the full on sun drives out the pleasant morning dusk of blue and gray in the sky right now.

This very early morning, I am back in Kalamazoo again as I am every weekend and I am very much sick of this drive out here, though it is only a scant 45 miles - not much in the greater scheme of things. But all this travelling - even this short distance - is making me unsettled. Add wedding plans and an upcoming move to a new state nine hours south of here, and you might see the condition of my heart for what it is: a desperate beating thing that is full of love and worry.

I stole that last line. In a colleague's class some time ago, a TESL student used the expression the mind of love and worry to express the English word anxiety. That phrasing has run through my head often when my heartbeat felt a little too bouncy and my legs a little wobbly.

The mind of love and worry. I guess there are worse conditions, and worry is really an enemy. There is no good reason to worry. I might die before the sun comes up and no amount of worrying will improve that situation. Best to just lay myself down and let the birds do their magic.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hello Dear Friend,
I tried to call you yesterday and did not get even your voice mail. I want to reschedule our overnight. Let's plan it for Grand Rapids so you can enjoy you apartment a bit prior to the move.

I love the morning, I get more done in the AM than most reservist do all damn day, I mean it. I can clean a house, cook a meal, bath, wash and hang linens and work on a hem or two in the am. No one to call my name, yell my name or otherwise bother me. The cats and I will play and of course the cats get very very excited about the noise made by the birds. So excited in fact they have ripped a screen or two trying to get to the birdies....I gotta patch some holes I do.

Molly, I love you lots. I know it is hard not to worry but remember and Michael will get through all this moving, job hunting, wedding stuff and you will do so with more ease than you can imagine. I promise. And know if there is any one or two or ten things I can do to help I'd be glad to do so!!!!!!!!

Big big hugs,